In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start. As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public. A conversation in my mind begins:
"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.
"I really feel their hurt though" I respond. "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add
"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying. Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.
"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.
"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.
"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time. My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.
"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs. They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now. Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.
"Maybe you are right. I will be ok. I must be strong. I can do it myself. There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe. "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."
"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross? It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.
"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me. I need to release some of my tears. I deserve prayer. I am not meant to be alone in all of this. They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.
"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you. They are going to all talk behind your back. You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.
"Oh great now we are out of time at group. It is too late. Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.
I walk in my house and the tears flow. Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.
"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share. Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."
