BUCKET LIST

Spirit I am listening....

As I sit on my couch resting for a few minutes to a couple of tunes coming from the satellite, I can not help but look out my window and glance over at my neighbors house.  Late last year she found out she has breast cancer and liver cancer.  The night before her breast surgery a couple of Christian sisters and myself went over and watched as the Holy Spirit touched her deep inside.  Darn right we expect healing from our Daddy God.

In one of my glances out the window I find myself wondering or asking what would I be like in that type of situation.  Just where my mind wanders as Satan(anxiety) uses every opportunity to destroy.  I love it cause I pull out my armour (doesn't even hurt my back).  In reality I allow a release from my heart (Jesus/Spirit) to take over and kick out the yuck thoughts.

I realize though there is seriousness to these types of situations.  As I bring Jesus out I start to ask, "Lord am I where you want me to be?  And say, "Lord I want to live out my destiny that you have planned out.  I do not want to get to Heaven and apologize for not following what is on my heart that you put there."

You see I don't have your typical bucket list.  Is it fair to say that most bucket lists look like this:
*win a million dollars
*bigger house
*fancier car
*no debt
*lots of clothes
*pretty kitchen
*boat
*other outdoor toys
*many trips
*big screen TVs
*cottage
etc etc etc

My heart does not crave any of that stuff in the way most do.

*I want to go to the hospital where my moms friend has been for one year after a stroke and watch her healing.
*I want to take my family to Peru for however long God needs us there.
*I want to take scriptures to my friend/neighbor who is battling cancer as often as I can and pray for Heavling
*I want to pray for my brother and sister-in-law to find awesome jobs in Australia.
*I want to raise money for families who need equipment and other needs for children/adults with special abilities
*I have the need to hand out valentines to say they are loved to people I don't know on Valentines Day.
*I want people to know how much they are loved by Jesus
*I want people to know not all "Churches" are the same
*I want people to know they are forgiven
*I want street people to know they are loved
*I want people in prison to know they are loved
I could go on and on.

But as I think about my time to meet Jesus, I do not want to look up at his precious Holy face and say, "I am so sorry Father I did not do all those things you put on my heart."

I do not want to hear Him ask, "Why not?  I would have given you everything you needed."

There is no good enough excuse I could possibly tell the King of all Kings.  He died for me.  ME.  Died! I have this time only now to love on people and help cause when we get to Heaven there will be no helping it will be perfect.  People need to see the beauty and perfection of Heaven here and now.  My family needs to come to Heaven.  Imagine a perfect family gathering in Heaven.  My friends need to eat chips with me in Heaven.  The hurting need to know there is no hurts with Daddy God in heaven.  Those with physical and mental needs deserve to have a taste of Heaven where their bodies will be whole and new and free.  All the lost deserve to be found and get to share in the Heavens.

Not alone!

Grabbing a diaper and the sippy cup full of juice I said, "Come on guys Troy has an appointment.  I need you to leave on time for school" and stuffed my goods into the back pack. 

"Good bye, blessings for a great day,"  I repeat twice. Once for Bella and once for Scott as they walked out the front door and I listened as their feet crunched in the snow. 

Now it was time to get Troy, Emma and myself in the van and get heading off to Kidsability in Guelph.  Suddenly I begin to feel pressure in my heart about this appointment.  I begin to reflect on how many times I have NOT done stretches and how bad I feel. 

Knowing a very important appointment with the surgeon is creeping up in February I begin to blame myself if they plan surgery.  Why can't I find time everyday to get all stretching done?  I should push him harder even through the complaints.  What will the surgeon think of me?  Why can't God work a miracle in his tight muscles? 

Backing out of the drive way I could already hear Troy's Ipod playing his favorite song.  As I looked over my shoulder to check for traffic I glance at Emma and can't help but smile at her beautiful grin looking back at me.

Stopping at the stop sign at the end of our street all those questions pop up again.  Satan was working really hard.  Oh my gosh for that moment again I was feeling like I have let Troy done and should be doing more as a mom. 

Thankfully I have Jesus fighting away in my heart and the spirit was on top of the crazy schemes.  Suddenly I got a beautiful vision.  It was a split vision: on the left side was me doing stretches with Troy and the right side angels were doing the stretches. 

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Psalm 91:10-12

Reflecting all the way to Guelph I knew God was telling me it is ok...he is being taken care of even the times I can not do the stretches.  I have to say I love GOD and that I am a Christian.  Noone I know, not my mom, not Dean(husband) nor the doctors would ever be able to offer me that comfort.  My daddy GOD was saying, "I am watching and taking care of my child.  He is mine.  Give him to me."  WOW to know my son has angels with him...I can't ask for anything else for him.

Also to remember that before we do stretches to invite the Spirit and pray.  I am just so greatful Dean and I can teach our children about faith.  There is nothing like it.  Beautiful. Amazing.  Graceful.  Loving.

Surrounded by an Army

Holy Spirit guide my heart as I write this:

The heaviness I was carrying made it difficult to get in the front door of our house after church a couple of months ago.  Church was a huge let down.  Not because of our Pastor instead the spirit of anxiety I carried.  Strong enough to prevent me from entering the sanctuary for service.  Instead my amazing Christian sister sits with me just outside the sanctuary doors.  I twitched my leg back and forth listening to our Pastor preach on a bible story of a man who ran up to the front and asked for demons to be rebuked.  Wow the urge to run up to our Pastor in the middle of the service and plead for my church family to help me.  Getting a pain in my side I quickly scurry back down to the church basement where I felt safe watching the summer Sunday school take place.

Hunger for church is an understatment.  I was starving but such a force was holding me back.  As we drove home tears clouded my vision.  "What is wrong with me? I need church so bad yet I can't even sit in on a service." I thought to myself.

Once home down into our rec room I went to surround myself in my safety net.  Wondering if my problem would ever ever end.  I look out the same old window and pray for the day I wouldn't feel so alone and safe to go outdoors.

About half and hour later the Pastor's wife comes down into our rec room and shares she was thinking of me.  I was in shock.  I talk to her once in a while but for her to come over during my struggles was amazing to me.  She then came over and sat down beside me and asked how I was doing and asked if it was ok to pray for me.  She then said, "I brought a whole bus load of people to surround your house and pray." 

It took a second for the whole busload comment to sink in and I started to cry and said, "The whole bus came to pray?" 

See it was beach day and many of our youth and a few families were heading to the beach. One of my Christian brothers had on his heart during that mornings church service to come pray for me.  He then came down and greeted me with tears and a big hug and comforting reasurance he was there for me.  He too knows personally of my struggles.

Within moments over 50 brothers and sisters, young and old, even the bus driver surrounded our home and prayed for me.  Seeing the youth out with their eyes closed for me was a surreal moment.  Even if they were thinking only of the beach or what was brought for snacks the fact that they surrounded my house and made such an impact it will never ever be forgotten.  As I am down in our rec room I go to that window to see my church family standing outside with their heads bowed praying.  I was sobbing without control.  One of my very dear christians brothers come to the window and we touch hands on the screen.  He prayed and I cried and I kept saying, "Thank you, thank you." 

I felt amazing and they all clapped.  I so wanted to go to the beach with them but really what just happened was so overwhelming for me and felt so darn good, keeping that moment without distractions of the beach felt safer.  Our kids were so excited and yet surprised they all surrounded our house.  We all waved out the front door as they drove off to continue with their day at the beach. 
Me on the other hand sobbed for about half and hour after they left.  I felt peace, excited, overwhelmed, thankful and wondered if they all knew how much that changed my course of recovery.  I have never felt so loved in my life. 

After that moment every time I looked out the window I saw the house surrounded by an army.  God's loving Army.  No guns, tanks or government control.  God's obedient children just stopping by on the way to the beach to pray for our little family.  So many to thank but I praise God that he heard my cry of wanting to be a part of church and really needing prayer that day.  He knew how I wanted to run up to the pulpit and get the whole church to pray for me.

He loves me and my family so much he sent a whole bus load. He heard my cry.  My friend, Andy for listening to his heart during service.  So exciting how God works.  I love them all so much.
AMEN 

Giving the battle to the cross

Yesterday my God Daughter made her confirmation.  Who knew she would grow up so fast.

God is so proud of His princess as she made her way through the day.  Oh how she looked so beautiful in her dress and outshinning the dress is her stunning personality glowing from the inside.  As I see her I remember when she was born and all the birthday parties and being there for her baptism.  Having given my life to Jesus 4 years ago now and growing in a new real faith I have learned what it means to truly be a GOD parent.  It is actually not even about me!  That shinning cross in the picture is all about my relationship to the man who died for me on the cross.  Because of that relationship and forever growing faith I can pray for her like I never knew how before.  If she ever wants to learn or talk about God I can be that God parent to teach her like I never would have before.  I can be there for her if things go wrong in her life or she steers off the wrong track.  I have Jesus's love in me and I will love her no matter what.

My heart remembers what my aunt said to me  as I enjoy my God Daughters day from clicking on the next errow through pictures on facebook.  "Heather our church doesn't think you exist (are a God parent) anymore because you don't go to our Catholic church anymore."  As I look at picture after picture of my beautiful God daughter I give the battle to the cross:

"Lord why would one of your churches have such a rule?  I can not see any where in Your word where that is right or something You would want.  Papa I grew up in that church and the God I was taught about there is who I know now in our church.  It shouldn't be about being Catholic, United, Presbytery should it?  I just want to be known as a follower of You.  Dean and I would have loved to be there and are so thankful we know that You Jesus were there with her.  Lord it doesn't matter why we weren't invited or what the case may be.  No one can take away we were still there in Your spirit for her special day and we will always love her and be her God Parents.  We will be praying for her and her family always.  In your precious name. AMEN"

HARDENED TEARS

People do it everywhere, at church, at groups, weddings, baby showers, graduations.  That moment when the ducts open and tears flow.  Tears that do not care who is around and what is thought. 
          In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start.  As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public.

A conversation in my mind begins:

"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.

"I really feel their hurt though" I respond.  "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add

"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying.  Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.

"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.

"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.

"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time.  My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.

"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs.  They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now.  Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.

"Maybe you are right.  I will be ok.  I must be strong.  I can do it myself.  There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe.  "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."

"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross?  It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.

"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me.  I need to release some of my tears.  I deserve prayer.  I am not meant to be alone in all of this.  They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.

"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you.  They are going to all talk behind your back.  You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you  talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.

"Oh great now we are out of time at group.  It is too late.  Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.

I walk in my house and the tears flow.  Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.

"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share.  Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."

Trying the blog thing

Been on face book for a few years now and it just does not cut it. Some how even though all on my friends list know me, they don't. My comments are dissected and analyzed and in some circumstances misinterpreted. My cry out for uplifting comments to my status does not always happen. I walk away frustrated even more then before the first word I typed. On one occasion I walked away with more tears as friends posted their comeback notes that obviously did not portray they had read my status with compassion or had taken the time to make sure my comment had any emotions attached. None the less I keep going back everyday to see how everyone is doing.

I hear in conversations talk of blogs, I see on t.v. people who blog and it reminds me of the desire to step out and try to blog. The people who have a heart to follow and listen to my heart pouring out will follow my posts. I pray connections are made.

I am a christian mom with three children. Twin boys 9 years old. Troy and Scott. Troy was born with CP (Cerebral Palsy). Isabella our daughter is 5 years old. Not only do I have lots to share about children and getting along etc, I have many words about a son with special abilities. Some days it is just tuff as behavior has become a presence in his life and affects the dynamics with his siblings. Then there is how it affects me and being able to share with people who understand or God places on here to lift up myself and/or my family.

Not only my family being lifted up but my heart to listen to others so I can pray in the good and the bad.

So I leave with this opening post.

Heather