Surrounded by an Army

Holy Spirit guide my heart as I write this:

The heaviness I was carrying made it difficult to get in the front door of our house after church a couple of months ago.  Church was a huge let down.  Not because of our Pastor instead the spirit of anxiety I carried.  Strong enough to prevent me from entering the sanctuary for service.  Instead my amazing Christian sister sits with me just outside the sanctuary doors.  I twitched my leg back and forth listening to our Pastor preach on a bible story of a man who ran up to the front and asked for demons to be rebuked.  Wow the urge to run up to our Pastor in the middle of the service and plead for my church family to help me.  Getting a pain in my side I quickly scurry back down to the church basement where I felt safe watching the summer Sunday school take place.

Hunger for church is an understatment.  I was starving but such a force was holding me back.  As we drove home tears clouded my vision.  "What is wrong with me? I need church so bad yet I can't even sit in on a service." I thought to myself.

Once home down into our rec room I went to surround myself in my safety net.  Wondering if my problem would ever ever end.  I look out the same old window and pray for the day I wouldn't feel so alone and safe to go outdoors.

About half and hour later the Pastor's wife comes down into our rec room and shares she was thinking of me.  I was in shock.  I talk to her once in a while but for her to come over during my struggles was amazing to me.  She then came over and sat down beside me and asked how I was doing and asked if it was ok to pray for me.  She then said, "I brought a whole bus load of people to surround your house and pray." 

It took a second for the whole busload comment to sink in and I started to cry and said, "The whole bus came to pray?" 

See it was beach day and many of our youth and a few families were heading to the beach. One of my Christian brothers had on his heart during that mornings church service to come pray for me.  He then came down and greeted me with tears and a big hug and comforting reasurance he was there for me.  He too knows personally of my struggles.

Within moments over 50 brothers and sisters, young and old, even the bus driver surrounded our home and prayed for me.  Seeing the youth out with their eyes closed for me was a surreal moment.  Even if they were thinking only of the beach or what was brought for snacks the fact that they surrounded my house and made such an impact it will never ever be forgotten.  As I am down in our rec room I go to that window to see my church family standing outside with their heads bowed praying.  I was sobbing without control.  One of my very dear christians brothers come to the window and we touch hands on the screen.  He prayed and I cried and I kept saying, "Thank you, thank you." 

I felt amazing and they all clapped.  I so wanted to go to the beach with them but really what just happened was so overwhelming for me and felt so darn good, keeping that moment without distractions of the beach felt safer.  Our kids were so excited and yet surprised they all surrounded our house.  We all waved out the front door as they drove off to continue with their day at the beach. 
Me on the other hand sobbed for about half and hour after they left.  I felt peace, excited, overwhelmed, thankful and wondered if they all knew how much that changed my course of recovery.  I have never felt so loved in my life. 

After that moment every time I looked out the window I saw the house surrounded by an army.  God's loving Army.  No guns, tanks or government control.  God's obedient children just stopping by on the way to the beach to pray for our little family.  So many to thank but I praise God that he heard my cry of wanting to be a part of church and really needing prayer that day.  He knew how I wanted to run up to the pulpit and get the whole church to pray for me.

He loves me and my family so much he sent a whole bus load. He heard my cry.  My friend, Andy for listening to his heart during service.  So exciting how God works.  I love them all so much.
AMEN 

HARDENED TEARS

People do it everywhere, at church, at groups, weddings, baby showers, graduations.  That moment when the ducts open and tears flow.  Tears that do not care who is around and what is thought. 
          In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start.  As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public.

A conversation in my mind begins:

"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.

"I really feel their hurt though" I respond.  "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add

"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying.  Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.

"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.

"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.

"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time.  My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.

"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs.  They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now.  Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.

"Maybe you are right.  I will be ok.  I must be strong.  I can do it myself.  There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe.  "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."

"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross?  It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.

"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me.  I need to release some of my tears.  I deserve prayer.  I am not meant to be alone in all of this.  They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.

"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you.  They are going to all talk behind your back.  You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you  talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.

"Oh great now we are out of time at group.  It is too late.  Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.

I walk in my house and the tears flow.  Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.

"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share.  Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."