Trying to feel included

Lord be with Troy as he deals with feeling left out.



This morning I stood at Troy's classroom door waiting for the teacher to notice my presence.  "Can I see Troy please for a minute," I asked once noticed. 

Troy comes out of the classroom and we sit on the bench where he has his backpack, outdoor clothing and walker.

Before  I got a word out about why I was there Troy says, "Mom today we were playing basket ball in gym and no one passed the ball to me.  There is no point in my going out if no one is passing the ball to me."  I could see his eyes getting watery and my heart wanted to jump out and wipe his tears.  I asked him if there was a teacher in with them and he confirmed there was.  I then asked if he said something to the teacher about being involved and he said he did not.  

"You should tell the teacher how you feel bud," I tried to say convincingly.  "Or talk to the principal or we can go right now if you would like," I said trying to think of ways to resolve his broken heart. 

"Its OK mom we are starting a new unit, floor hockey.  If it happens with that I will say something." he said like Troy always says. 

He does not want to be the one to always run to the teacher or principal.  As a parent I even find it hard to speak up sometimes knowing that teachers, principals or whoever I am trying to explain something to will always have an excuse as to why it is happening.  Step down to an 11 year old level and they can not figure out why they are all not treated the same.  He wonders if it is because of his special needs that no one wants to throw the ball to him.  He wonders why the teacher would not make sure everyone is involved especially if marks are at risk. 

Often times they just assume Troy is doing what he can but do not really try to include him beyond the scope.   The problem irks me because I know it is not just Troy who feels left out at school.  There are hundreds of kids who get left behind because the focus remains on the easy, high marked, athletic kids.  Or even focus  on just doing a job and adhering to rules passed on.

Why do Christians think faith should be at school?  Read the above.  In the bible no one is left out.  In the bible the focus is not on the top people who believe.  No! Scripture after scripture Jesus had faith in tax collectors (disciple), the sick, the sinners etc. This list goes on.  He included them all and expects that from us all.  Jesus just wants people to love each other the best we can.

Many say faith should remain at home and dealt with privately or at church.  The truth is it is hard to teach them love for everyone when they do not even feel like they fully get it from a place they are at 6 hours a day.  Who ever changed the fact that school should only include academics and wean out love and compassion for others.   I am not saying there is none of this at school I believe it is diminishing.  Is it not fair as a parent to say all I want is for my kids to feel loved even at school.  To me a human being feeling loved is so much more fulfilling then A's in school.  We don't get into Heaven with straight A's. 

At the same time we need to prepare Troy for those times when he feels left out.  It breaks my heart when it happens at school when an adult is in charge of inclusiveness. 

Troy and I decided he would type up a letter for his gym teacher to say how he felt.  Awareness is always good.  Reminders are always good.  I know I need them once in a while.  OK I know most days I could use reminders.

A new love for Oero Cookies



On a Tuesday this September, I spent a whole day at KidsAbility in Waterloo doing workshops on Augmentative Speech tools that are available.  Basically resources to help us give Emma what she needs until her name comes up on the 18th month waiting list for services.  I am forever excited when I learn more about what tools are out there for Emma and other children.  Buttons that talk for her, a display board of pictures that will talk for her, modified toys that work with the push of a button, computer pieces that would allow her to work the computer with the push of a button.  Some display program pieces costing hundreds of dollars coupled with apps for Ipads that cost hundreds of dollars. 
We can borrow them from KidsAbility for a four week period or purchase on our own.  The alternative is wait the 18mths at which time the wait list is gone and there would be coverage for it all.   The wait list does not bother me because I know God has trusted me with Emma during the wait time and He will do great things in her in the mean time. 

A couple times during the workshops I got teary eyed knowing how important all the pieces are for her.  And it brought me out of my space of comfort to realize that oh my gosh Emma doesn't talk like she should right now.  Driving in the van home I began to say, "God why can't you just give her what she needs to talk, heal her" and began to digest all that I had heard.

The next day on Wednesday my journey took Emma and I to Fergus KidsAbility for her Occupational therapy appointment.  One of the activities we did was work with the Oreo you see above.  You see this is no ordinary Oreo.  It is a plastic therapy toy that a child must learn to pull apart.  For Emma this is difficult with little use out of her left hand.  On this day I put Emma's little left hand brace on and as her eyes lite up when the Oreo game came out the therapist handed Emma an Oreo cookie to pull apart.  Emma's determination with the hand brace on was not like any other day we have seen.  Our little girl was so determined.  Within a few tries Emma did it...she pulled the two pieces apart.  We cheered, I had tears.  I joked with our therapist and asked, "Can i keep that Oreo cookie?" She gave me the plastic piece and said, "For sure you cherish it."

Amazed and proud as we drove home.  I told myself to blog about this and once Emma was down for a nap I took a picture of the Oreo.  One picture wasn't enough so I opened the Oreo and took another picture of it apart.

 

 

My mouth dropped open wide as I realized what shape was inside.  A cross shape! The day before I had wondered where God was with Emma's speech and why He couldn't just heal her. And there I was the next day asking for forgiveness as He reminded me He is with us in everything.  While she may not totally be healed of speaking fully, right now papa God is working in so many other moments with her.  I phoned the therapist and left her a message about what shape was in the cookie.  I have no idea if our therapist is a Christian or knows Jesus but I just had to share.  She later phoned back and could not talk as she was crying.  Sharing with her had made her day.

 

Who knew God could be in an Oreo Cookie?  I do now!!!! 

 



Not alone!

Grabbing a diaper and the sippy cup full of juice I said, "Come on guys Troy has an appointment.  I need you to leave on time for school" and stuffed my goods into the back pack. 

"Good bye, blessings for a great day,"  I repeat twice. Once for Bella and once for Scott as they walked out the front door and I listened as their feet crunched in the snow. 

Now it was time to get Troy, Emma and myself in the van and get heading off to Kidsability in Guelph.  Suddenly I begin to feel pressure in my heart about this appointment.  I begin to reflect on how many times I have NOT done stretches and how bad I feel. 

Knowing a very important appointment with the surgeon is creeping up in February I begin to blame myself if they plan surgery.  Why can't I find time everyday to get all stretching done?  I should push him harder even through the complaints.  What will the surgeon think of me?  Why can't God work a miracle in his tight muscles? 

Backing out of the drive way I could already hear Troy's Ipod playing his favorite song.  As I looked over my shoulder to check for traffic I glance at Emma and can't help but smile at her beautiful grin looking back at me.

Stopping at the stop sign at the end of our street all those questions pop up again.  Satan was working really hard.  Oh my gosh for that moment again I was feeling like I have let Troy done and should be doing more as a mom. 

Thankfully I have Jesus fighting away in my heart and the spirit was on top of the crazy schemes.  Suddenly I got a beautiful vision.  It was a split vision: on the left side was me doing stretches with Troy and the right side angels were doing the stretches. 

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Psalm 91:10-12

Reflecting all the way to Guelph I knew God was telling me it is ok...he is being taken care of even the times I can not do the stretches.  I have to say I love GOD and that I am a Christian.  Noone I know, not my mom, not Dean(husband) nor the doctors would ever be able to offer me that comfort.  My daddy GOD was saying, "I am watching and taking care of my child.  He is mine.  Give him to me."  WOW to know my son has angels with him...I can't ask for anything else for him.

Also to remember that before we do stretches to invite the Spirit and pray.  I am just so greatful Dean and I can teach our children about faith.  There is nothing like it.  Beautiful. Amazing.  Graceful.  Loving.

HARDENED TEARS

People do it everywhere, at church, at groups, weddings, baby showers, graduations.  That moment when the ducts open and tears flow.  Tears that do not care who is around and what is thought. 
          In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start.  As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public.

A conversation in my mind begins:

"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.

"I really feel their hurt though" I respond.  "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add

"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying.  Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.

"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.

"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.

"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time.  My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.

"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs.  They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now.  Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.

"Maybe you are right.  I will be ok.  I must be strong.  I can do it myself.  There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe.  "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."

"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross?  It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.

"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me.  I need to release some of my tears.  I deserve prayer.  I am not meant to be alone in all of this.  They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.

"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you.  They are going to all talk behind your back.  You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you  talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.

"Oh great now we are out of time at group.  It is too late.  Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.

I walk in my house and the tears flow.  Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.

"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share.  Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."

Trying the blog thing

Been on face book for a few years now and it just does not cut it. Some how even though all on my friends list know me, they don't. My comments are dissected and analyzed and in some circumstances misinterpreted. My cry out for uplifting comments to my status does not always happen. I walk away frustrated even more then before the first word I typed. On one occasion I walked away with more tears as friends posted their comeback notes that obviously did not portray they had read my status with compassion or had taken the time to make sure my comment had any emotions attached. None the less I keep going back everyday to see how everyone is doing.

I hear in conversations talk of blogs, I see on t.v. people who blog and it reminds me of the desire to step out and try to blog. The people who have a heart to follow and listen to my heart pouring out will follow my posts. I pray connections are made.

I am a christian mom with three children. Twin boys 9 years old. Troy and Scott. Troy was born with CP (Cerebral Palsy). Isabella our daughter is 5 years old. Not only do I have lots to share about children and getting along etc, I have many words about a son with special abilities. Some days it is just tuff as behavior has become a presence in his life and affects the dynamics with his siblings. Then there is how it affects me and being able to share with people who understand or God places on here to lift up myself and/or my family.

Not only my family being lifted up but my heart to listen to others so I can pray in the good and the bad.

So I leave with this opening post.

Heather