Giving the battle to the cross

Yesterday my God Daughter made her confirmation.  Who knew she would grow up so fast.

God is so proud of His princess as she made her way through the day.  Oh how she looked so beautiful in her dress and outshinning the dress is her stunning personality glowing from the inside.  As I see her I remember when she was born and all the birthday parties and being there for her baptism.  Having given my life to Jesus 4 years ago now and growing in a new real faith I have learned what it means to truly be a GOD parent.  It is actually not even about me!  That shinning cross in the picture is all about my relationship to the man who died for me on the cross.  Because of that relationship and forever growing faith I can pray for her like I never knew how before.  If she ever wants to learn or talk about God I can be that God parent to teach her like I never would have before.  I can be there for her if things go wrong in her life or she steers off the wrong track.  I have Jesus's love in me and I will love her no matter what.

My heart remembers what my aunt said to me  as I enjoy my God Daughters day from clicking on the next errow through pictures on facebook.  "Heather our church doesn't think you exist (are a God parent) anymore because you don't go to our Catholic church anymore."  As I look at picture after picture of my beautiful God daughter I give the battle to the cross:

"Lord why would one of your churches have such a rule?  I can not see any where in Your word where that is right or something You would want.  Papa I grew up in that church and the God I was taught about there is who I know now in our church.  It shouldn't be about being Catholic, United, Presbytery should it?  I just want to be known as a follower of You.  Dean and I would have loved to be there and are so thankful we know that You Jesus were there with her.  Lord it doesn't matter why we weren't invited or what the case may be.  No one can take away we were still there in Your spirit for her special day and we will always love her and be her God Parents.  We will be praying for her and her family always.  In your precious name. AMEN"

HARDENED TEARS

People do it everywhere, at church, at groups, weddings, baby showers, graduations.  That moment when the ducts open and tears flow.  Tears that do not care who is around and what is thought. 
          In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start.  As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public.

A conversation in my mind begins:

"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.

"I really feel their hurt though" I respond.  "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add

"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying.  Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.

"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.

"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.

"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time.  My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.

"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs.  They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now.  Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.

"Maybe you are right.  I will be ok.  I must be strong.  I can do it myself.  There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe.  "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."

"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross?  It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.

"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me.  I need to release some of my tears.  I deserve prayer.  I am not meant to be alone in all of this.  They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.

"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you.  They are going to all talk behind your back.  You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you  talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.

"Oh great now we are out of time at group.  It is too late.  Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.

I walk in my house and the tears flow.  Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.

"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share.  Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."

WHY I WRITE

As I laid my head on my pillow after our monthly writers meeting my mind was ready to sleep  but my heart was in a downward slide as I feel the answers behind our homework.  Why I write?
I assumed I would have so many happy reasons why I write to share but my first thoughts kept me going down in big slide into really question why I do write.

Do you ever have a conversation with someone talking about something really dear to you and the listener cuts you off mid thought and switches to assume they know what you are talking about?  Or switch to somehow have a situation similar to yours?  At that moment however you just need someone to listen.

What about friends or family members who are going through a very hard time and the words are not jumping out of your mouth?

Or you want to pray for someone going through a tough time or just has a sore back or having a bad day and it is hard to speak the spirits words.

When you type you just find it easier to have time to cut and paste and re write on the pixel canvas then to share vibrations out your mouth?

Is your life full of so many moments that are hard, life changing, amazing, filled with sorrow, moments that are just made up, revelations, moments you want to forget, moments where mountains were moved, times God was there and times it felt like He disappeared?

Do you ever have midnight writings where you just can't go to sleep without writing your thoughts or ideas out?

Is there someone in your family that loves writing or is creative?

Are you surrounded by people who have read your work and still encourage you as your writing is good and tell you to keep going?

When I put my pencil to paper and have little pieces of eraser all around the paper or type and backspace or cut and paste or have crumpled up paper in the recycle bin the above reasons are just enough to keep me within 200-300 words for my homework as to WHY I WRITE.

TINSEL REVELATION

As I hung our children’s home made Christmas ornaments on our freshly cut tree, stories in the media and Facebook comments blinked in and out of my mind like our tree lights. Do I truly believe others are taking away my Christmas? Are they taking away Jesus? Does it matter if my Christmas tree is called a Christmas tree or holiday tree? People’s anger and negative comments hurt my heart more, WHY?
It hit me hard one day before Christmas while I worked. As I finished folding a report and slid it into the envelope a mother and her son just finishing their appointment grabbed their coats off the metal coat stand. I wheeled my chair to a clearing where I could see the little boy and mom and said, “You are welcome to grab one little gift off the Christmas tree. There is a company each year that donates gifts for the children.” The mom replied, “We are Jehovah witness and don’t believe in Christmas but thank you so much.” And off they went.

This little boy didn’t take a gift. Christmas is about giving. Giving what? Due to the nature of where I worked what did it mean to that company that EACH child got a gift? Does it matter he didn’t get a gift? To my heart it did matter because to me Christmas is about giving to everyone in all circumstances. Right? That is what Jesus did and last time I checked I am following Him not a tradition of a tree. My heart started pumping excitedly as I walked back to where co-workers were and asked, “Is it ok if I take some of the little gifts and put them in a different pile away from the tree?” I then explained about the little boy. “No the gifts are for the tree, for Christmas and that is their choice they don’t take one,” unfortunately sums up the response I tried to allow to rip through my ears and block from my heart.

So let me ask, as Christians we so badly need our “Christmas” tree and how dare someone tell us not to call it that, are they really taking CHRISTmas? Are we so angry that that little boy couldn’t have been giving a gift just because it was for a special child and he needs to feel loved at a special time for us? The revelation hit! The prickly stump can be called a Holiday tree or a Christmas tree. I could have one or not have one. My house will have Jesus at Christmas; no one can ever take that away, no one. So let them take away the name of the tree I will actually even let them take the tree.

As they pack up my tree I cry as visibly in its place is the cross. A child like moment after where I laugh and say, “Na Na Na boo boo you can take the tree because it doesn’t take Christmas.” Under that cross are gifts that are mine and even the gift to still love those who don’t celebrate Jesus. Picking up the pine needles and tinsel left behind I put the pieces to the cross and pray, “Thank you papa that as people take away our tree you were there, you are there, you will always be there. I see even more now Lord Christmas is not about a tree or worldly traditions. Also Father thanks that now we don’t have to worry about getting rid of a tree. AMEN”

Trying the blog thing

Been on face book for a few years now and it just does not cut it. Some how even though all on my friends list know me, they don't. My comments are dissected and analyzed and in some circumstances misinterpreted. My cry out for uplifting comments to my status does not always happen. I walk away frustrated even more then before the first word I typed. On one occasion I walked away with more tears as friends posted their comeback notes that obviously did not portray they had read my status with compassion or had taken the time to make sure my comment had any emotions attached. None the less I keep going back everyday to see how everyone is doing.

I hear in conversations talk of blogs, I see on t.v. people who blog and it reminds me of the desire to step out and try to blog. The people who have a heart to follow and listen to my heart pouring out will follow my posts. I pray connections are made.

I am a christian mom with three children. Twin boys 9 years old. Troy and Scott. Troy was born with CP (Cerebral Palsy). Isabella our daughter is 5 years old. Not only do I have lots to share about children and getting along etc, I have many words about a son with special abilities. Some days it is just tuff as behavior has become a presence in his life and affects the dynamics with his siblings. Then there is how it affects me and being able to share with people who understand or God places on here to lift up myself and/or my family.

Not only my family being lifted up but my heart to listen to others so I can pray in the good and the bad.

So I leave with this opening post.

Heather