BUCKET LIST

Spirit I am listening....

As I sit on my couch resting for a few minutes to a couple of tunes coming from the satellite, I can not help but look out my window and glance over at my neighbors house.  Late last year she found out she has breast cancer and liver cancer.  The night before her breast surgery a couple of Christian sisters and myself went over and watched as the Holy Spirit touched her deep inside.  Darn right we expect healing from our Daddy God.

In one of my glances out the window I find myself wondering or asking what would I be like in that type of situation.  Just where my mind wanders as Satan(anxiety) uses every opportunity to destroy.  I love it cause I pull out my armour (doesn't even hurt my back).  In reality I allow a release from my heart (Jesus/Spirit) to take over and kick out the yuck thoughts.

I realize though there is seriousness to these types of situations.  As I bring Jesus out I start to ask, "Lord am I where you want me to be?  And say, "Lord I want to live out my destiny that you have planned out.  I do not want to get to Heaven and apologize for not following what is on my heart that you put there."

You see I don't have your typical bucket list.  Is it fair to say that most bucket lists look like this:
*win a million dollars
*bigger house
*fancier car
*no debt
*lots of clothes
*pretty kitchen
*boat
*other outdoor toys
*many trips
*big screen TVs
*cottage
etc etc etc

My heart does not crave any of that stuff in the way most do.

*I want to go to the hospital where my moms friend has been for one year after a stroke and watch her healing.
*I want to take my family to Peru for however long God needs us there.
*I want to take scriptures to my friend/neighbor who is battling cancer as often as I can and pray for Heavling
*I want to pray for my brother and sister-in-law to find awesome jobs in Australia.
*I want to raise money for families who need equipment and other needs for children/adults with special abilities
*I have the need to hand out valentines to say they are loved to people I don't know on Valentines Day.
*I want people to know how much they are loved by Jesus
*I want people to know not all "Churches" are the same
*I want people to know they are forgiven
*I want street people to know they are loved
*I want people in prison to know they are loved
I could go on and on.

But as I think about my time to meet Jesus, I do not want to look up at his precious Holy face and say, "I am so sorry Father I did not do all those things you put on my heart."

I do not want to hear Him ask, "Why not?  I would have given you everything you needed."

There is no good enough excuse I could possibly tell the King of all Kings.  He died for me.  ME.  Died! I have this time only now to love on people and help cause when we get to Heaven there will be no helping it will be perfect.  People need to see the beauty and perfection of Heaven here and now.  My family needs to come to Heaven.  Imagine a perfect family gathering in Heaven.  My friends need to eat chips with me in Heaven.  The hurting need to know there is no hurts with Daddy God in heaven.  Those with physical and mental needs deserve to have a taste of Heaven where their bodies will be whole and new and free.  All the lost deserve to be found and get to share in the Heavens.

I am a follower!

Spirit be with me as I write this.

For one month now our family has been attending ministry in a school gym.  Previous we attended another church in our small town.  It doesn't matter which one.  Those who know us will know which one.  The pastor of that church had many conversations with God and realized he was at a crossroad, the church was at a crossroad.  Many in the church would say they carried a feeling in their hearts of reaching a crossroad. 

My personal definition of crossroad being defined as a group who are content in one space and the others who are hungry for so much more without the dictation from a manual or man made rules but rely solely on the Holy Spirit/God/Jesus.

We were so blessed to have our Pastor announce that he was leaving the church and beginning a ministry with the support of another ministry.  The blessing was that many of his services he revisited teaching us we must listen to God to know where we would attend church in the new year.

Five years ago our family started to attend the church and our Pastor/friend/brother because of his devotion to our Papa God and teaching us each Sunday from the BIBLE and from his personal life has given Dean and I the platform to totally change our lives.  Growing up Catholic I personally thought the Priest was to do everything; pray for people, visit hospitals, heal, talk to God and go once a year in a booth to repent to a little hole in the wall.  In saying that I am so thankful for the life of growing up in church. 

Everything our Pastor was telling us every Sunday is in the bible.  It is so simple.  While rules are important everything we are to do is in one book, His word, The Bible. 

It tells me to talk to God myself-   'God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ' (11 Cor. 4:6).

I can repent everyday myself- 'Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord' (Acts 3:19)

I can pray and ask for Jesus to heal through me- 'And God has placed in the church first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, of helping, of guidance, and of different kinds of tongues' (1 Corinthians 12:28).

There is so much I could highlight that yep I can do.  Little me, mom of four kids who has sinned, and will sin again.  No walls came crashing down when I entered the church.  The only ones that did were the ones that Satan put up.  This teaching didn't come from a certain denomination of church it came from a devoted Pastor.  His love of God, love of the Spirit, love of Jesus, love for all people no matter where there walk is with the Lord and love for God's word.  No matter where our Pastor goes the whole faith package goes with him.  Like many big name followers (12 disciples and more) in the Bible, I chose to be one of them.  Some call us "Pastor" followers (substitute pastor for his real name).  In a way yes our family is following him he is a good man who puts the bible before all else and his family is precious but sorry we are following the Man our Pastor holds in his heart.  The Papa God he teaches that loves us.

Ministry can be held anywhere and definitely anytime.  On Sundays that gym is transformed into an amazing room of worship and so many can feel the love as they walk in.  When one feels freedom the Lord has a new space to move and create new things in. 

Thank you God for Selah Fire!
I can't wait until you make the walls tremble and the earth shake.

Not alone!

Grabbing a diaper and the sippy cup full of juice I said, "Come on guys Troy has an appointment.  I need you to leave on time for school" and stuffed my goods into the back pack. 

"Good bye, blessings for a great day,"  I repeat twice. Once for Bella and once for Scott as they walked out the front door and I listened as their feet crunched in the snow. 

Now it was time to get Troy, Emma and myself in the van and get heading off to Kidsability in Guelph.  Suddenly I begin to feel pressure in my heart about this appointment.  I begin to reflect on how many times I have NOT done stretches and how bad I feel. 

Knowing a very important appointment with the surgeon is creeping up in February I begin to blame myself if they plan surgery.  Why can't I find time everyday to get all stretching done?  I should push him harder even through the complaints.  What will the surgeon think of me?  Why can't God work a miracle in his tight muscles? 

Backing out of the drive way I could already hear Troy's Ipod playing his favorite song.  As I looked over my shoulder to check for traffic I glance at Emma and can't help but smile at her beautiful grin looking back at me.

Stopping at the stop sign at the end of our street all those questions pop up again.  Satan was working really hard.  Oh my gosh for that moment again I was feeling like I have let Troy done and should be doing more as a mom. 

Thankfully I have Jesus fighting away in my heart and the spirit was on top of the crazy schemes.  Suddenly I got a beautiful vision.  It was a split vision: on the left side was me doing stretches with Troy and the right side angels were doing the stretches. 

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

Psalm 91:10-12

Reflecting all the way to Guelph I knew God was telling me it is ok...he is being taken care of even the times I can not do the stretches.  I have to say I love GOD and that I am a Christian.  Noone I know, not my mom, not Dean(husband) nor the doctors would ever be able to offer me that comfort.  My daddy GOD was saying, "I am watching and taking care of my child.  He is mine.  Give him to me."  WOW to know my son has angels with him...I can't ask for anything else for him.

Also to remember that before we do stretches to invite the Spirit and pray.  I am just so greatful Dean and I can teach our children about faith.  There is nothing like it.  Beautiful. Amazing.  Graceful.  Loving.

FAITHRAISER

Holy Spirit be with me as I write this:

I was grunting and groaning as I walked in our front door following a Christmas family get together.  How did I fit all that food in my tummy?  "Love you," I said to our little Emma as I put her down for her very late nap.  Literally plopped myself down on the couch and grabbed the lap top to check email and Facebook.

It doesn't take long before smile turns upside down as my eyes scan an email from a friend.  On our bible study group page she is requesting prayer for someone at her work who has breast cancer.  That someone happens to be our neighbor.  My frown turns jagged as I fill with anger. I begin talking to God, "Really? I have had it with the "C" word. I just want to go over and pray for her and there to be healing.  Lord our sister at church to have healing.  My father-in-laws sister for healing.  I am sick of raising money." 

Then a little revelation.  Please do not misunderstand me as I write this I think it is so amazing the hearts that raise money for Cancer.  I believe God has a purpose for that.  My revelation or vision happens.  Are we so busy raising money to find a cure that we are forgetting about Gods healing hands?  Are we forgetting to teach people to pray for healing first then raise money?

My vision is so amazing...Imagine a Faithraiser instead of a Fundraiser.  No forms or t-shirts. I see the curbs are full of people who are waiting to pray.  Hands are raised, eyes are closed, worship is happening, SPIRIT is alive, tongues are praising, eye lashes are twitching and arms are high.  Those who know a fire tunnel this would be fun. 

Then the Faithraiser starts....Jesus with his cross begins the walk.  Following Him are children with cancer, adults with cancer, people who are blind and the list is endless of those who need healing.  I would be walking down with my anxiety but quickly side step to the curb so I can pray for rest of the people.  I see thousands of angels all assigned to a certain person.

These Faithraisers can happen everyday.  God is waiting for us to ask Him.  God is waiting for us to teach people to trust in him more.  Don't google what type of cancer or disease people have google how to pray for healing.  While we need money to find a cure what we need more is people in the hospital beside beds praying for healing  or going into someones home and singing worship songs with them.  Don't tell someone, "I hope everything will be OK" declare to them, "God will take care of everything." 

While I believe God wants physical healing I also believe more so for internal healing.  Having two children with Cerebral Palsy I pray for physical healing everyday, but my Spirit says, "Pray for their hearts and minds and souls.  When they are full on the inside it won't matter how they walk or talk.  The shadows of their wheelchairs, crutches and walkers will heal others."

Surrounded by an Army

Holy Spirit guide my heart as I write this:

The heaviness I was carrying made it difficult to get in the front door of our house after church a couple of months ago.  Church was a huge let down.  Not because of our Pastor instead the spirit of anxiety I carried.  Strong enough to prevent me from entering the sanctuary for service.  Instead my amazing Christian sister sits with me just outside the sanctuary doors.  I twitched my leg back and forth listening to our Pastor preach on a bible story of a man who ran up to the front and asked for demons to be rebuked.  Wow the urge to run up to our Pastor in the middle of the service and plead for my church family to help me.  Getting a pain in my side I quickly scurry back down to the church basement where I felt safe watching the summer Sunday school take place.

Hunger for church is an understatment.  I was starving but such a force was holding me back.  As we drove home tears clouded my vision.  "What is wrong with me? I need church so bad yet I can't even sit in on a service." I thought to myself.

Once home down into our rec room I went to surround myself in my safety net.  Wondering if my problem would ever ever end.  I look out the same old window and pray for the day I wouldn't feel so alone and safe to go outdoors.

About half and hour later the Pastor's wife comes down into our rec room and shares she was thinking of me.  I was in shock.  I talk to her once in a while but for her to come over during my struggles was amazing to me.  She then came over and sat down beside me and asked how I was doing and asked if it was ok to pray for me.  She then said, "I brought a whole bus load of people to surround your house and pray." 

It took a second for the whole busload comment to sink in and I started to cry and said, "The whole bus came to pray?" 

See it was beach day and many of our youth and a few families were heading to the beach. One of my Christian brothers had on his heart during that mornings church service to come pray for me.  He then came down and greeted me with tears and a big hug and comforting reasurance he was there for me.  He too knows personally of my struggles.

Within moments over 50 brothers and sisters, young and old, even the bus driver surrounded our home and prayed for me.  Seeing the youth out with their eyes closed for me was a surreal moment.  Even if they were thinking only of the beach or what was brought for snacks the fact that they surrounded my house and made such an impact it will never ever be forgotten.  As I am down in our rec room I go to that window to see my church family standing outside with their heads bowed praying.  I was sobbing without control.  One of my very dear christians brothers come to the window and we touch hands on the screen.  He prayed and I cried and I kept saying, "Thank you, thank you." 

I felt amazing and they all clapped.  I so wanted to go to the beach with them but really what just happened was so overwhelming for me and felt so darn good, keeping that moment without distractions of the beach felt safer.  Our kids were so excited and yet surprised they all surrounded our house.  We all waved out the front door as they drove off to continue with their day at the beach. 
Me on the other hand sobbed for about half and hour after they left.  I felt peace, excited, overwhelmed, thankful and wondered if they all knew how much that changed my course of recovery.  I have never felt so loved in my life. 

After that moment every time I looked out the window I saw the house surrounded by an army.  God's loving Army.  No guns, tanks or government control.  God's obedient children just stopping by on the way to the beach to pray for our little family.  So many to thank but I praise God that he heard my cry of wanting to be a part of church and really needing prayer that day.  He knew how I wanted to run up to the pulpit and get the whole church to pray for me.

He loves me and my family so much he sent a whole bus load. He heard my cry.  My friend, Andy for listening to his heart during service.  So exciting how God works.  I love them all so much.
AMEN 

Giving the battle to the cross

Yesterday my God Daughter made her confirmation.  Who knew she would grow up so fast.

God is so proud of His princess as she made her way through the day.  Oh how she looked so beautiful in her dress and outshinning the dress is her stunning personality glowing from the inside.  As I see her I remember when she was born and all the birthday parties and being there for her baptism.  Having given my life to Jesus 4 years ago now and growing in a new real faith I have learned what it means to truly be a GOD parent.  It is actually not even about me!  That shinning cross in the picture is all about my relationship to the man who died for me on the cross.  Because of that relationship and forever growing faith I can pray for her like I never knew how before.  If she ever wants to learn or talk about God I can be that God parent to teach her like I never would have before.  I can be there for her if things go wrong in her life or she steers off the wrong track.  I have Jesus's love in me and I will love her no matter what.

My heart remembers what my aunt said to me  as I enjoy my God Daughters day from clicking on the next errow through pictures on facebook.  "Heather our church doesn't think you exist (are a God parent) anymore because you don't go to our Catholic church anymore."  As I look at picture after picture of my beautiful God daughter I give the battle to the cross:

"Lord why would one of your churches have such a rule?  I can not see any where in Your word where that is right or something You would want.  Papa I grew up in that church and the God I was taught about there is who I know now in our church.  It shouldn't be about being Catholic, United, Presbytery should it?  I just want to be known as a follower of You.  Dean and I would have loved to be there and are so thankful we know that You Jesus were there with her.  Lord it doesn't matter why we weren't invited or what the case may be.  No one can take away we were still there in Your spirit for her special day and we will always love her and be her God Parents.  We will be praying for her and her family always.  In your precious name. AMEN"

HARDENED TEARS

People do it everywhere, at church, at groups, weddings, baby showers, graduations.  That moment when the ducts open and tears flow.  Tears that do not care who is around and what is thought. 
          In my small bible group that gathers once a week I find myself in awe of those who cry around me. Hearts opening up about family situations, children struggles and even faith struggles allowing those tiniest of water falls to start.  As I find myself getting choked up feeling their every hurt or wanting to share about my many struggles out of no where like the speed of light a brick wall locks around my heart sending a hardening paste up to my eyes. How dare I cry in public.

A conversation in my mind begins:

"People will think you don't have it together Heather" I hear.

"I really feel their hurt though" I respond.  "It is ok to cry this is a safe place," I add

"Hahahahah are you kidding they won't understand why you are crying.  Especially when they hear what your small struggle is," I hear.

"Sometimes it is hard to be a parent of a child with special needs and I really need prayer," I cry inward.

"Really Heather, then they are all going to be thinking in their heads why you don't just suck it up and deal with it nothing can be changed," I hear.

"It is no different then her talking about her same family struggles all the time.  My brothers and sisters are not going to be thinking that of me," I try to declare.

"Now your just being stupid, if you say anything what do you think they will think of you and Dean adopting yet another child with special needs.  They will all think you are crazy if you can't even handle some days you have now.  Don't do it, don't ask." I hear.

"Maybe you are right.  I will be ok.  I must be strong.  I can do it myself.  There won't be enough time to talk about my struggles anyways." I say with my heart hurting but mind starting to believe.  "I could really use prayer though and to leave my baggage at the cross."

"Do I really need to remind you how many times you have left that same baggage at the cross?  It is not safe Heather, these people are going to tell others and then more people will know you can't handle being a parent." I hear.

"No my brothers and sisters here at group are safe and I know they will help me.  I need to release some of my tears.  I deserve prayer.  I am not meant to be alone in all of this.  They all know how much I love and adore my children and would do anything for them." I battle back.

"As soon as they hear your words and watch you cry they are going to think differently of you.  They are going to all talk behind your back.  You will have to walk around all the time wondering who knows about what you  talked about and if they think you are weak." I hear.

"Oh great now we are out of time at group.  It is too late.  Oh well I will wait till I get home and cry where no one knows." I cry inside.

I walk in my house and the tears flow.  Time and time again tears noone ever sees, struggles noone ever hears.

"Papa I pray for Holy Spirit water to soften my hardened tears so I can reach out to those who love me and will support me no matter how many tears or struggles I share.  Let those words that are not of you be jumbled and reworded to encourage. I pray for those moments I am brought to my knees and release everything."